Longtime Lard Lake residents, Melissa Lishness and Noah Kownt returned triumphantly from the Tokyo Olympics bearing their gold medals from their victory in the Modern Summer Biathlon, which consists of Mixed Doubles Tiddlywinks and Beach Croquet. The team of Melissa and Noah edged out the competitors from Burkina Faso and Haiti to capture the Gold Medal.

The team honed its skills while competing in the weekly tiddlywinks tilts at the Lardview Bar, Grill and Sushi Emporium, and on the Beach Croquet court in Big Ernie’s Sand and Gravel Pit.

All in all, they said the olympics were the highlight of their lives, they really enjoyed Tokyo, what they could see of it because of COVID-19. They did say that the food was pretty good but the sushi didn’t compare to the stuff Yoshiko Peterson turns out at the Lardview Bar.

Their only real complaint was the extreme case of chafing they suffered due to the bikini bottoms they were required to wear in competition as dictated by the International Olympic Committee.

The classes are back in session at the Lard Lake School, the only K through 12 one room school in the United States. The opening of the school year was not without its difficulties due to the COVID-19 crisis. Two weeks before opening day, school nurse, Pam Demmic and director of student health, Anna Fylaxis, had a heated meeting with school board president, Sue Naammii. The topic of discussion was whether or not to require the students to wear masks at all times no matter how snotty the lower graders masks got by the end of the day.

The ladies came armed with piles of the latest scientific papers on the subject. They seemed to be at an impasse when Sue produced the latest study from the Center for the Prevention of All Things Bad. The study proclaimed with overwhelming documentation that young children were by a large margin more likely to succumb to a lightning strike rather than COVID-19.

After a short period of cogitation and digestion of the statistical evidence, they saw that their path was clear, rather than concentrating on masking they must find a way to protect the children from lightning strikes! How could this be accomplished? Enter Sven O’Hara, the school custodian and handyman. “I have the solution!” he declared, “You know how they use lightning rods to protect buildings from lightning strikes? Well we could do the same for the kids. Sven retired to his workshop, emerging three days later with the solution. He had taken a child’s backpack and fitted it with an extendable antenna attached by a fine wire to a pair of old style golf shoes, the kind with metal spikes, the apparatus would be mandatory for all the children to wear while venturing outside. The theory being that a lightning bolt intent on striking an urchin would be directed by the antenna down the wire into the spikes of the golf shoes and thus into the ground sparing the child!

All that was needed was to test the invention. In an unusual moment of lucidity, Sven commandeered a child-size crash test dummy from Big Ernie’s collection (You have to see Ernie’s collection to understand) and fitted it with his invention, setting it by second base on the school ball field.

As luck would have it, a rare thunderstorm was approaching, the lightning rod worked to perfection, the antenna gathered up the force of the bolt, directing it down the wire through the backpack into the metal spikes of the golf shoes and into the ground. Sadly, the dummy was completely incinerated.  

It was then that Pam, Anna, Sue and Sven decided that it was true, you CAN be too careful.

Lard Lake has never had a law office before, we never felt the need but times are changing. As the old saying goes, “The town was too small to have a lawyer but just the perfect size for two.” Enter Brenda Moen and Galen Pitts, local kids and recent graduates of the Michael Avenatti School of Law in Pismo Beach.

The partners have set up shop in Big Ernie’s strip mall at the corner of Main and Not Main, specializing in agricultural law and invasive species litigation.

All Lard Lakers extend a hearty welcome to the law firm of Pitts and Moen and wish them great success.   

Bill Stein is a retired dentist, shepherd of random thoughts and an observer of the general situation.

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