A new conspiracy theory making its rounds among the population of the unskeptical, including my own family members this time, alleges the COVID vaccines not only contain microchips, but also control your mind with them. There are a few reasons why this is neither possible nor practical.

The first and probably least severe roadblock to controlling humans via injected chip is size restrictions. COVID vaccines are reportedly 22 gauge, or less than half a millimeter across, and even the simple microchips commonly seen in pets is about 2 millimeters wide, or over four times as large. That’s a chip that has no internal energy source and is essentially a barcode, so it seems reasonable to assume that a device with necessary systems to control an entire human brain would be even larger, and certainly wouldn’t fit inside the vaccine needle.

Let’s say the microchip did fit inside the needle though. Now it needs to get from the injection site to the brain. The fastest and only practical way to move would be through the circulatory system, but because the vaccine isn’t administered directly into any veins, the chip would have to move itself into one. The only vessel known to freely travel undetected through the human body is The Magic School Bus, but unfortunately Ms. Frizzle retired over 20 years ago and she’s enjoying her golden years in Palau.

A different method would require some mechanism for moving. Propellers would work, but it would be hard for the subject to ignore a rice-sized meatgrinder zipping around their muscles looking for a vein. The only real mechanism for this job would be one that mimics earthworms. There’s a lot of reasons why it’s still impractical, but we’ll roll with it.

Now let’s say this increasingly complex microchip earthworms its way into a vein. It’s circulating around the human body at 4 mph. How does it know where its exit is at the brain? It’s not as if the human body has a built in GPS guiding it, nor does it come equipped with road signs warning when a cloverleaf is coming up. For the sake of argument, it has echolocation and can sense when its in the brain, and it can get out of the arteries at will without causing a hemorrhage.

It’s in the brain, but which part? See, the problem is that there isn’t a central control facility for the mind. The brain is separated into different structures that do different things. Arguably, one could say higher thought occurs in the frontal lobe, but an entire lobe is considerably large for a rice-sized conquistador to take on one-on-one.

So now we have a self-replicating, echolocating, robotic earthworm that made its way into the brain and created enough copies of itself to take full control of the human mind, without being noticed. It somehow connected to the brain using super-duper science tech, and controls an entire human.

For this to work, we need millions of minimum-wage workers using discontinued Wii remotes to control the millions of fools that thought the vaccine was safe. And they need an obscure government facility, owned by Bill Gates probably, to work in. And because they are always working (piloting humans is a full-time job after all) there needs to be security guards to keep them in their place.

And, after all of this, nobody can say a single word about it. From the people who developed the fake vaccine, to the people who approve the fake vaccine, to the people who designed the asexual worm-bots, to the doctors injecting the worm-bots, to the people controlling the worm-bots, to the security guards who shoot the worm-bot operators that try to unionize; if any one person talks, the gig is up.

Look, the last year was insane for a lot of reasons: a pandemic being chief among them, but also four years of awful national leadership, generations of social issues brewing under the surface even before 2016, decades of declining public education systems, increasingly stressful financial situations for millions of Americans and an out-of-control national wealth disparity, and fake news and extremist echo chambers – it’s no surprise that dangerous ideologies like Q-anon (where this microchip theory undoubtedly originated) gained traction recently.

I want to say more, but these columns do have word limits. So until next time, stay sane, double check your news sources (even if you agree with them), don’t invade the capitol, and if you see any asexual robo-worms looking for a brain to control be sure to let me know.

Mike Armstrong, Pequot Lakes, is a former reporter for the Aitkin Age.

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