By the time this column arrives, the millennium will have been the most over-publicized, over-hyped, and utterly predictable event of all time.

What the big deal about all that millennium nonsense, anyway? In the past 1,000 years, North America and Europe have moved only 30 yards apart, and the moon surface hasn’t changed a lick except for a few footprints, a land rover and a golf ball.

I hope by now your hangover of the millennium has passed and, at no extra charge, I’m going to giver you a few of my new century’s Top 10 Millennium Lists.

If you don’t like these, you can make your first anti-millennium statement by burning this newspaper.

After you’ve paid for it, of course.

The Worst Songs of the millennium

“Deutschland Uber Alles”

“The Song of Solomon”–it’s been in the Bible for, what, 2,000 years? Have you ever heard anybody sing it?

“Hey Jude”–a classic containing those haunting lyrics, “dah dah dah da-da-da dah, da-da-dada.”

“Lady of Spain”–The reason the accordion was invented

“100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”

The song Richard the Lionheart and the Crusaders marched into battle singing–”Danny Boy”

“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”–for us purists, it should have been “(I Can’t Get Any) Satisfaction.”

Theme from the TV series “Rat Patrol”

“Dueling Banjos from Deliverance” played by that “weird kid.”

Kathie Lee’s latest Christmas album

The worst inventions of the last 2,000 Years

Guillotine

Bagpipes

Speedos

Bow ties

Snuff

PCBs

Cool whip

Cheese Whiz

Black velvet/velcro paintings

Sushi rollers

Girdles

Suits of armor

Polyester pant suits

Betamax

Top 10 headlines of the last millennium

Two commandments dropped: now 10

‘Plague, smague,’ says doctor, ‘Take two leeches and call me in the morning’

Earth sucks, says Newton

Architect says Tower of Pisa is fine

Rockefeller dies; charitable oil baron donates $1 billion to his sons

Lincoln shot! Dr. Mudd makes his escape on white bronco

Michelangelo low bidder; awarded Sistine contract

‘Your place or my van?’–Kevorkian

Clara Bow to appear sleeveless in October’s Colliers. ‘It’ girl sends decent folks into a tizzy with shocking display of arms.

War! French surrender after valiant 10-minute struggle

Top 10 headlines of the next millennium

Russia to merge with Canada, says Disney

Year 3000 will actually occur in 3001: expert

War clouds loom

Stock market hits new low

Pete Rose Great-grandkids ask: ‘Isn’t it time to forgive and forget?’

Hitler cloned!

Stock market hits new high

Abacuses and slide rules make comeback. Today’s youth say, ‘They’re retro, baby!’

Solar-powered tricycles replacing gas-guzzling autos as the number one means of commuting.

First permanently-implanted telephone in rat called a huge success

Things we thought would last

2,000 years

Dwarf tossing

Fish on Fridays

Lighthouse keepers

The Rat Pack

The Golf Channel

The U.S.S.R.

The Royal Family

Latin teachers

Needing sex for conception

Ozone

I hope you all have a happy and prosperous New Year.

It’s been a privilege and an honor to have been publisher of this newspaper since 1975, and contrary to many rumors afoot that the paper has been sold, I can assure you all that the Messenger has not been sold nor have there been discussions with any outside party to that effect. I look forward to doing my part to help make the Mille Lacs Lake area a better and more special place to live for years to come.

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